i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
