I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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