Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
