Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
