I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
