Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize