Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
