I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
