shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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