I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize