just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I got her a Nickelback box set.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
