hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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