your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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