he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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