You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
