She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
