i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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