My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Duck Duck Cougar?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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