is your mom at the bar?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
