you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
