if i can run in heels then i can drive
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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