Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
