all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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