Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
