If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
