I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
