She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
