you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
