Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
