I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
