just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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