I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize
