Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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