Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
