Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
