Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
