Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize