dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
