Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Randomize
