I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
