look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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