all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
