So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
