So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
