i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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