Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize