Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
