I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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