I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
