Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
