So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
