she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
