I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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