Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize