You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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