and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
whose parrot is this?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
