Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
